So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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