I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
