The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got inside last night via doggy door
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
