apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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