Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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