what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Floor bacon is actually really good
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
