I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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