pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
