my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
