so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
