I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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