Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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