I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
