So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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