If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
