Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
