When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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