my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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