I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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