can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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