He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
