Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
