found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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