Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
