so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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