i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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