Got a toothbrush?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
