Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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