he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
