I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
