btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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