i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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