who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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