I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
