I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
