My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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