he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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