you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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