You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
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I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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