Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
