My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
