she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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