I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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