You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
