Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
