Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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