I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
