i think my mom watched the whole time
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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