There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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