plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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