could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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