I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
