you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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