god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
