I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
