Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
