I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Bring me that man meat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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