I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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