Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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