Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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